Zoe’s Story: The Road to Recovery with Holy Spirit
In July 2019, slightly before the pandemic, I was somehow ‘kidnapped’ by four men at home one afternoon. I thought they were going to rape me; I was blessed that they did not. They pulled me into their car. Later, I saw my mother bringing out bags of clothing and passing them to one of the men. I was in total confusion, filled with unanswered questions.
Hi, my name is Zoe. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia at the age of twenty-three. My hallucinations involved hearing voices. I had tried to stop taking medications by myself again. I knew that mine was a spiritual attack and not a chemical imbalance issue. I wanted to stop taking medicine and rely on Abba Father, but I did not know how. Neither did my church.
The journey took about forty minutes by car to reach its destination. They wrapped a cloth around my eyes and led me upstairs into a shop lot. I heard a lady’s voice telling someone to put me in a jail room. The cloth was taken off, and I was locked inside the jail room.
Only on the second day was I told by one of the girls that because I did not take my medicine, I was sent to this rehab center. The very first thought that came to my mind was that I would kill myself if I could not get out of there.
No one came to visit me. I asked Weng when my mother would be coming to see me. She said usually one month later, as that was one of the house rules. And true enough, my mother came and asked how I was. I told her that there was no counseling and no freedom to go places (because they worried that we would run away). My mother was quiet.
During the second visit, my mother brought my sister, who works in Singapore, to visit me. This time, I told both of them that I wanted to leave. This was not a place for recovery; patients would get worse. My sister told me they would discuss and see the situation. I felt a sense of hope.
Around the middle of September, I kept hearing a Chinese Christian worship song in my head for two weeks. It was about Psalm 121, and I did not understand what it meant. So I waited. There was only one torn Bible left at the rehab center. I read that Bible and prayed. I told Abba Father that I wanted to be out.
Exactly three months later, on September 25, 2019, my mother came and paid up all the balances for my stay at the center. She said, “Pack up, we are going home.” I was so joyful, but because of the house rules, I kept my emotions low.
In the car, my mother was driving. I asked her who had sent me to the rehab center. She said, “It is okay. You are out now.” Of course, it was not okay for me. I was determined to find out the answer.
Two weeks later, I went to a church that I had been to before. I told Pastor Tan what I had been through, and she asked a brother in Christ to pray for me. His name is Thomas. Brother Thomas prayed and said that he saw a father figure and that I needed to forgive him. The thing is, I cannot. I cannot forgive my earthly father.
I have to provide some explanation here before I go further. As my mother had mentioned before, the four men came and took me. They said it was Dr. P who asked them to come. My mother was in a bad place because our family was facing a court case at that time. At the same time, I had stopped taking my medication and was acting strangely due to a relapse. I wondered how Dr. P knew that I had stopped taking the pills unless someone in my house reported it to him. So, who was this person?
Next, while my mother was driving me out of the rehab center, she told me that she kept asking my father where I had been sent, but he did not want to answer. Only once did he say, “She is in Semenyih. You go find her if you can.” My mother was desperate, but she remembered she had a taxi driver friend. She asked him for help and, “Thank you, Abba Father!” Uncle Po was able to locate me. I am so fortunate to have my mother. A mother’s love and determination are indescribable.
15th May 2024: Six years later, as I prepare to write my life story and seek the truth, I have been praying about this issue, and I want to bring it to an end. I recalled a question that arose in my head during a class; Dr. Cherlene challenged us with this question: 'Do you want to live in that curse, or do you want to live in freedom? You choose.’ 'My answer is, I want to forgive my earthly father, but I do not know how. I know that forgiving is the way Abba Father wants us to live. Seventy times seven, we have to forgive. Finally, I sat down and prayed. I have to face this with the help of the Holy Spirit.
Tonight, the Holy Spirit led me to write two columns. One column is the unforgiveness side of me, which I called the Negative Side. The other column is the willingness to forgive, which I called the Positive Side.
Negative Side: With my eyes closed, I saw myself crying in the darkness. I was trapped, questioning, “Why does my earthly father treat me this way?” This thought kept going around in my head. Because of unforgiveness, the anger towards my father was adding up and leading me to bitterness and rejection. There was a sense of heavy resentment. I did not like this place, this sensation; I wanted to leave. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes.
Positive Side: Clearing away the negative feelings, I took a few breaths and closed my eyes. I told the Holy Spirit that I choose to forgive and that I want freedom. Tears of deliverance flowed, and I felt hope and joy. I saw brightness. Even though I did not understand why my father did that to me, I saw that he was used by the devil to keep me in that rehab center because Abba Father wanted to use me to do His will. I am part of His plan.
Then a scripture came to me: Ephesians 6:12 says, "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." So, my father represents the flesh and blood, which I should not be fighting against (by hating him or being unable to forgive him). Therefore, the devil (the ruler of darkness) is the one I shall face and fight, with the leading of the Holy Spirit.
I am awake now. My senses are clear. I realized that there was nothing to forgive towards my father. My enemy is the devil, not my father.
The second issue I had to face is the voices in my head. To address this, I use the 5Rs method that Dr. Cherlene taught in class. They are Recognize, Repent, Renounce, Resist, and Renew. This is a very effective ‘remedy’ because the voices had reduced to almost 5 percent in 2 months. I am sharing the 5Rs with my church members, as these 5Rs can be used to resolve emotional issues too. Besides, I keep myself in the stage of self-awareness and alertness. When I feel angry at my workplace, I pause and think. I ask myself why and how I get angry at someone or something. Then I recognize the word ‘stress’ - I ‘Recognize’ this. Slowly, I process the 5Rs. By renewing my mindset, Ephesians 4:26-27 says, “Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.”
18th May 2024:I have been reading the book ‘Switch on Your Brain’ by Dr. Caroline Leaf that Dr. Cherlene recommended. There was so much information to understand, and I had a revelation after reading two chapters. I recalled a sentence that I heard from someone who said, ‘When we sin, God will not connect with us.’ I did a self-talk with the Holy Spirit. I realized that if I sin, the chemicals in my body will react differently, not the way they should react - the normal way. Meaning the normal way is how God creates and allows these chemicals to work naturally. So, while the chemicals reacted abnormally, my thoughts and feelings will come out as negative behavior. I would trap and block myself from connecting with God because I have sinned. Just like during the time of Adam and Eve. After they had eaten the forbidden fruit, they acted disobediently (sinned) to God’s instruction. They hid themselves from God when God came to look for them. So, it is not that God will not connect with us after we have sinned. It is we who hide ourselves from connecting with God because we feel shameful, angry, hatred, bitterness, and other unhealthy emotions. After ‘Recognizing’ which unhealthy emotions we are holding on to, it is time to ‘Repent,’ ‘Renounce,’ ‘Resist,’ and ‘Renew’ our mindset with a Scripture. Deuteronomy 31:8 says, ‘And the LORD, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed.’
To conclude, I see that one of the keys to freedom is to ‘Forgive’. This is a very powerful key. As Matthew 6:14-15 says, “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” Indeed, the walk towards the cross is a narrow path. Sometimes, there are tough issues in life that we need to choose to forgive, but it is not easy to do so. Therefore, we need the Holy Spirit to lead us, enabling us to forgive.
Regarding free will, even though we have free will, we are meant to choose what Abba Father wants us to choose, as it is an act of obedience. This act provides divine protection. Abba Father gives us free will because He does not force or tempt us to do what He wants us to do. He wants our hearts, our willingness, to follow Him. When we fix our eyes on Jesus, He will be our priority. Listening to His heartbeat is what I am learning to do now. Our God does not do one thing to fix one problem. He is so mighty and capable that He can do one thing and fix ten problems.
Lastly, I am thankful to Abba Father, someone who loves me just as I am. I am told in the Bible that I do not need to obtain one hundred points to have His love. He loves me first, then He creates me and puts me in my mother’s womb. He loves me not only by words but by actions. When I did not behave, He disciplined me. His staff and rod comforted me.
When I am in the fire or deep water, He is with me. He never rests or slumbers. I long to see You, my dear Abba Father. Amen.
