Vivien’s Story: Out of the jaws of depression

My name is Vivian, and I live alone. As a child, I was quiet, reserved, and shy. I was also very sensitive and easily affected by words spoken against me. My mother was strict, and my father was more liberal, but both of them had very high standards. I always felt that I was not good enough as I could never meet their standards and expectations. For the first 10 years of my life, I was the only daughter with three brothers. Although I was the only daughter, I never felt loved and accepted. I always felt pressured to match up with my brothers. In fact, I was told that boys were more important than me. In school, I had difficulties making close friends as I was too ashamed of myself and too shy to open up and develop close relationships.

I became a Christian at the age of 15. My family reacted rather violently to my decision. My mother beat me, and my father threatened to throw me out. The reality of God assured me to remain firm in my decision, but I was so afraid of my family that I became silent about my faith and read my Bible under the blanket. As time went on, I felt even less loved and accepted by my family.

Although I felt loved and accepted by the Lord, I felt like an outsider in church. I was of a different race from the rest of the members, and they used to speak in their own mother tongue in my presence. My sense of loneliness worsened, and I felt rejected by both my physical and spiritual families

Things got better when I entered university. I found myself in a friendly church, a strong Christian fellowship on campus, and a close-knit Christian community in my hostel. I grew a lot in my spiritual walk and began to deal with some of my inner hurts. As I grew in the Lord, I grew more apart from my family. I could no longer find common ground with them as they were very deep in their religious beliefs, which I no longer shared. So, I began to look to my spiritual family for support. I think I was looking more for their love and acceptance than I was dependent on God for it. This only led to more disappointments and hurt. This appears to be the story of my life: looking for love and acceptance in the wrong places and getting hurt in the process.

Without me realizing it, the hurts and loneliness were building up, and seeds of depression were being sown. Things began to climax when my mother fell ill, and I was left to take care of her alone as the rest of my siblings were married and had their own families. The last six years of her life, my late mother had dementia, which progressively got worse. As my mother needed more and more care, I could no longer go to church, and I also lost all my friends. By the time my mother passed away, I was very lonely, emotionally drained, and physically exhausted. Not long after she passed away, the COVID pandemic broke out, and we went into lockdown. My loneliness got worse. I had only four walls to look at in my house and no one to talk to.

Initially, it was not so bad as I had my job. However, I lost my job two months into the lockdown. I now had only the Lord to turn to and no sense of purpose. Depression hit me so hard that there were days I could not get out of bed. I would curl up on my bed and keep crying to the Lord until His comfort swept over me. The Lord reminded me of John 10:10: the enemy has come only to steal (my joy), kill (my hope), and destroy (my life). Although this made me realize that what I was going through was the work of Satan, I had no energy to fight it.

My health began to deteriorate as my emotions were going haywire. I would spend nights crying myself to sleep because of my loneliness and because I missed my mother a lot. I knew this was due to depression, and I even had thoughts of suicide. Finally, I sought the help of my mother’s psychiatrist, and she started me on medications

After the lockdown was over, I felt too tired and physically weak to go back to church. I did not realize at that time that this was a tactic of the enemy to isolate me even more. This continued for months until one day the Lord spoke to me through Hebrews 10:25: 'not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.'

So, I forced myself to start going back to church. Initially, it was difficult as my body and health refused to cooperate. There were days I felt too sick to get up and many days that I overslept due to sleepless nights the day before. One day, I just cried out to God and asked Him to help me go to church regularly. Something snapped that day, and I got my breakthrough. I started attending church regularly, but the depression was still there, and I continued with the medications.

One Sunday during the church service, the Lord spoke to me about taking some BCM courses. By then, I had been struggling with clinical depression for two years. I did not feel very confident about going back to studying, but the Lord confirmed many times that I had to do it. In obedience, I checked out the possible courses for the first trimester this year (2024).

I felt attracted to two of the counseling courses that were being offered. So, I signed up for Major Issues in Counseling and Biblical Truth Therapy. At that time, I did not realize what a difference these two courses would make in my life. During Major Issues in Counseling, I got to understand mental health issues, and, for me, I got to understand my own condition better. This was only the beginning, and unknown to me, the Lord had greater things in store for me.

It was in the second course that I met Dr. Cherlene. Initially, I felt overwhelmed with all that was being taught. In fact, I thought I had made a mistake taking this course! As I did my personal reflection, the Lord started using Dr. Cherlene’s life and words to speak to me. I felt I had not given enough space for the Holy Spirit (Ruach Hakodesh) to work fully in my life. If I had relied more on the Holy Spirit to minister to me and heal my hurts, I would not have needed to see a psychiatrist or take medication.

I was also impacted by Dr. Cherlene’s knowledge of scriptures and her love for the Word of God. The Holy Spirit spoke to me about how much I had neglected reading scriptures and how I had forgotten about Psalm 1:2 - 'but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night.' I used to teach Bible studies in my previous church, and I was deeply in love with the Word before all my problems overtook me. I seemed to have lost the passion over the years of struggling with taking care of my mother, and the depression just made it worse. So, I started making the effort to read the Word in the morning and at night, and I also signed up for book studies in BCM.

Dr. Cherlene’s teaching on self-talk and misbeliefs helped me realize how much of the lies of the enemy I had been listening to, which had influenced the way I thought about myself. I believed that I was defeated and a failure because of these lies. However, I came to understand that as a child of God, I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), and His work is marvelous. I also began to understand that the battle for my mind is a spiritual one, and I must take authority to tear down all the misbeliefs that strive to deceive me (2 Corinthians 10:4-5). I have started renewing my mind with the Word of God and simultaneously declaring the Word over my mind and my life.

I believe that what has made the most difference for me is understanding who I am in Christ. Throughout the years of caring for my mother, I had lost sight of my identity and sense of self. However, now I've begun proclaiming the scriptures Dr. Cherlene shared with us about our identity in Christ. As I declare these scriptures, I've noticed my depression starting to lift. Understanding my identity and the depth of the Father's love has filled the loneliness and void in my life. I can literally feel myself being healed and made whole in Christ.

I no longer feel the grip of depression holding me captive and crushing me. The cloud of darkness and loneliness that once surrounded me has lifted. I am no longer plagued by negative thoughts, and there's a newfound joy in my heart. The Spirit of God has set me free and healed my broken heart and spirit. I am growing as a person, making friends in church, and enjoying life. In fact, I am gradually reducing my medications and will soon be off them entirely. All of this is possible because of the Biblical Truth Therapy that Dr. Cherlene has taught me and the work of God. Truly, God loves me, and I am a blessed child of God. All glory to the Lord, and a big thank you to Dr. Cherlene.