Jane’s Story: Disappointment to Hope

After 5 weeks and 10 challenging lessons from Dr. Cherlene, we have reached the end of our class. I have learned so many new things that I would never have discovered otherwise. When my son, Joe, was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis Crohn's on February 6, 2020, I was devastated. I questioned why this had happened. He was pursuing a career as a chef, but due to the stress exacerbating his Crohn's condition and his thriving in the high-pressure environment of the kitchen, he had to abandon his dream or risk his health. He had to take approximately 9 months off from school. Eventually, he returned to complete his diploma, with only his final 2 papers remaining. Despite his setback, he persevered and finished the course. However, he had to choose a different field of study. At the age of 22, he was heartbroken that he couldn't pursue his original career path, so he decided to pursue a degree in Business with Law. On March 8, 2022, just one month after starting his classes, he was involved in a serious accident. While riding his motorcycle, he was struck by a woman who was texting her husband after dropping him off at the airport. The impact caused him to hit the woman's car, shattering the front glass panel, before she accelerated and threw him onto the road. His head injuries were severe, and he was bleeding from his ear. At the time, I was approximately 300 km away from where he was. It was still during the COVID pandemic, and my husband was locked in Singapore while I was here.

I took my other two kids and we drove to Kuala Lumpur. He had lost his memory and had to undergo speech therapy, physiotherapy, and balance therapy. He basically had to learn to do everything again. Daily activities that we take for granted were a challenge for him. It was heartbreaking and painful to watch him go through so much at such a young age. By the grace of God, he made it through and graduated in December 2023. However, on April 22, 2024, after two peri-anal fistula operations, his condition deteriorated, and he had to be admitted to the hospital. He could barely have any bowel movement, and each movement caused bleeding and pus. Upon admission, doctors discovered abscesses in his rectum. At this point, they informed him that his rectum was so damaged that they needed to insert a colostomy bag. As a 24-year-old young man, this was not something he was prepared for. He called me and cried, and I broke down upon hearing the news. On April 29, 2024, Joe underwent the colostomy operation and drainage of the abscesses. My husband and I were there for him. Am I angry with God? I don't think so. But I am disappointed and frustrated with God. I wonder why, I feel like God speaks to me clearly about other things, but when it comes to Joe, I am not hearing anything.

Today, a day after the operation, I am feeling thankful for Joe’s life and the fact that he is doing well. I am wondering what God’s plan is for his life. I feel that it is not my place to question Him but to just trust Him. The words that come to mind are from
Isaiah 55:8-9:
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

I can never imagine a life without God, but I also do not know how to deal with this situation where my young son is having to deal with so much. In attending this class, I know that God wants the best, but sometimes the best comes with a heavy price. I see God’s goodness in this situation, but I also know that there is a greater purpose for Joe in all of this. We have been renouncing the Spirits of Rejection and declaring God’s best over him, reminding him of his identity in Christ. I see a difference in him, and I believe that in time he will turn this test into a testimony.

Joe told me that he cannot pray now because he feels that God has left him. He has been praying, and God did not answer him. He prayed that he would not have a colostomy bag, but it has come to that now. I listened and said nothing (this is one of the most important lessons I learned in this class: LISTEN!). Later, I sat with Joe, and we prayed together. I told him to look at the many good things God has done. He is in a private hospital, being seen by some of the best doctors. His surgeon is one of the top Colorectal Cancer Surgeons in Malaysia, with a reputation that has saved lives through his surgeries. Joe is in the comfort of a single private room. Alternatively, we could be in the hospital where we could not stay with him, and they would do whatever they thought was right, and there would not really be as much attention and comfort. Additionally, God has provided me with the finances to be able to subscribe to insurance for him.

I believe with all my heart that after this experience, both Joe and I will be able to speak into people's lives and set the captives free from the bondages of life. I know that I did not attend this course by accident. Everything happens for a reason. We do not serve a God of maybes or perhaps, but a God of surety. He is faithful to see things through to the end. His ways are not our ways. My way would not have been to give my son a colostomy bag, but for now, I think this is the best solution, and he is finally not in pain. Yes, initially, it was devastating, but I think that was fear of the unknown. Yes, it means that we have to make some changes, but it is not the end. It is a new beginning for Joe and, to some extent, for us too.

I will never fully understand why? But that is not the purpose. It is not about Why? But Lord, How do I cope with this? Teach me, Lord. How can I help someone else who needs to hear this message of Hope? Jesus is my HOPE, our FUTURE, our Strong Refuge. I am learning to Trust Him and Rest in Him. I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I do know who holds our tomorrows. It is better in His Hands than in ours. I realize that saying I trust Him is mere words and easier said than done. But when we are put into a situation where we only have that, we realize that we can trust Him, and I need to remind myself that I cannot do anything without Him.

As I learn to let go and Trust Him, I will learn to Rest in Him, and that is another commandment that He expects us His children to follow. Tough ones especially for people like me who need to plan tomorrow, but God is saying just think of today and leave tomorrow where it is; which is in His Hands. Today Joe has a colostomy bag and is not upset. In fact, we look at it together, check on it, clean it up, and laugh about it. Praise God. There is no way anyone can tell me that God’s hand is not in that. Most people would have gone into depression seeing their stool coming out in a bag outside their abdomen and have no control over when it comes out, to have no control over gas coming out of that same place. But we are able to giggle about it, pretending to look around when there is gas, as though we ourselves are wondering who that could be. That is God!