Jemima’s story: Brought me from darkness into glorious light

I want to start my testimony by sharing a word of encouragement for someone who is reading this right now. Even though you may experience any kind of darkness in your life, seek the Lord, and he will bring light, joy, and peace.

My name is Jemimah, and I'm 25 years old. I grew up in a fatherless household, as my dad was absent throughout my childhood. He lived far away in another country, and although he would occasionally call or send a message, he often disappeared again. His absence left me wondering about him and feeling empty. Without a father figure, I found it hard to trust men easily, as I never experienced a loving, paternal influence in my life. My mum had to provide for us all by herself, without his support. Despite his absence, our home was always filled with joy. We didn't have much money, but my mum provided us with a lot of love and care. When I turned 20, my mum went through a midlife crisis and would often leave the house on weekends, leaving me alone or with my sibling. Feeling lonely, I sought love and acceptance elsewhere. I reconnected with a man twelve years older than me, whom I had worked with before. He lied about himself and his situation to gain my trust, and we quickly started a relationship. He was very kind and made me feel valued and accepted, restoring my trust in men

My family, particularly my mother, initially had reservations about him. However, they accepted him because they saw how happy I was with him. Despite their acceptance, there were frequent arguments between my mother and me in the early stages because I felt neglected by her disapproval of my partner. Additionally, my ex did not get along with my siblings and made efforts to drive a wedge between me and them. Over time, he perceived my sibling as a threat because she consistently spoke the truth and sought to shield me from his harmful influence. The first few months of the relationship, he showered me with affection and compliments, being the nicest guy he could be. We quickly became intimate, even sharing the bedroom at my mother’s house. However, after these encounters, I began experiencing sleep paralysis for the first time in my life. I would wake up feeling violated, as if someone had raped me in my sleep. There was nobody else in the house, but I still felt violated. These attacks in my sleep became regular occurrences since he entered my life. Despite reading online about the possibility of spiritual demonic attacks, I brushed it off and blamed myself. He had his own house, so I felt compelled to leave my mother’s house quickly and move in with him. Upon arriving at his place, I noticed guitars, a couch, and a cabinet full of bills in a dirty and chaotic environment. Above the couch hung a large poster of Buddha. Wanting to help, I began tidying up and cleaning, hoping to make it feel like our home. However, he became increasingly controlling and jealous. If I missed his calls, he would become furious.

After a few months, I began to see his true colors more clearly. He wasn't the person he pretended to be. He revealed his deep depression and expressed hatred toward people. The world was a dark place for him. I could never understand why he was so full of hate. I tried to cheer him up. When we would take a walk outside, he would say negative and bad things about other people and made violent jokes. The world was a bad and dark place through his eyes. He was a drug addict and was very sweet when he had used drugs and became my enemy when he did not use it. The controlling and jealousy became worse and worse. He told me that his ex cheated on him and he was not capable of experiencing that again. He made threats about that so I would not dare to even hurt him. He could not regulate his anger. One day he came home and was not satisfied with how I answered him and became very aggressive. He broke the glass of the door and started to yell with his bloody hands. I was afraid for my own life and ran away from the house. From that day on, I always had a knife in my night cabinet and a set of clothes packed up in a bag for if I had to escape again. There were several times where I had to escape my house and did not feel safe because of his aggression and evilness.

After a few years, it became normal for me to feel fearful and anxious in my own house. Initially, I would apologize to him and take the blame upon myself to calm him down. Throughout the relationship, I struggled to express my hurt and pain. Unable to confide in him, I began to turn my aggression inward. I cut off a big piece of my hair as a way to cope with the pain. Despite loving my beautiful hair, I felt compelled to hurt myself to alleviate the emotional distress. I started to experience suicidal thoughts and would sometimes hit the wall in frustration when he mistreated me. I longed to escape my home, feeling exhausted and afraid of being in such a dark place.

I reached my lowest point in 2021 when my dad died unexpectedly, during my exam year. I regularly visited my doctor's practice assistant. It seemed like God had already prepared me for one of my biggest losses. During my first visit with her, I expressed my desire to say goodbye to my dad. I was tired of all the disappointments and he never took time for me. I had written a goodbye letter shortly before he passed away. At his funeral, I joined my family and his other children. After returning to that dark place again, my mental state deteriorated further. He often gaslighted me, dismissing my feelings as crazy. After graduating and starting work, I continued to seek help. The practice assistant eventually referred me to a psychologist.

In 2023, I had a big mental and physical breakdown. My body was just so tired of all the anxiety. I started to have panic attacks. My ex started to leave the house more often. I found out he had an affair with a colleague. After five years of this terrible relationship, I managed to pack all my clothes and belongings for the last time. I left him, and he left me alone, broken, and hurt. The truth is, he left me right in the hands of Jesus! The first months after the relationship were super hard. I couldn't even shower without panic attacks. At a certain point, I was afraid to go outside. I would shake heavily when I went to throw out my garbage. I started to feel depersonalization and derealization. I had to remind myself who I was and where I was. My body was in a constant state of panic, and wanting to escape. I couldn't sit in a restaurant and enjoy the food because I felt threatened. I began to isolate myself, always bringing my family with me to appointments and afraid to leave my house alone.

When I started seeing Cherlene, I had already attended many sessions with a regular psychologist, but I still felt really depressed. Cherlene has helped me so much. She gave me a sense of safety, and I started to go outside more. One step at a time, I began to break every lie that the enemy had injected into my head and thoughts. Every time I experienced fear, I said: ‘For God has not given me the spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind’ (2Timothy 1:7) loudly in my house, car, and job. Cherlene really helped me become stronger on a spiritual level. I'm experiencing that my derealization is becoming less. I’ve started to recognize myself again, to trust myself again, and to see joy again. Due to the sessions I could eliminate my negative emotions, break my soul ties and forgave him so I could move on with my life. I can proudly say that I am healed from depression, anxiety and panic attacks! I feel joy, light, and happiness. Cherlene, I want to thank you for your prayers, powerful words, and helping me to get through this spiritual warfare. Hallelujah, Jesus is a healer. Seek Him, and He can bring you out of the darkness into the glorious light.