Alex’s Story: Pornography Addiction
This is my first testimony after I attended our two-week class in Bible College on Truth therapy and healing of the soul.
I have decided to use less of my time in social media like Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, Television and so on. It is not easy to do that but I have decided to stop spending much time on it and start focusing my time with God… to be in His presence, hearing His voice, meditating on His word and drawing myself closer to God. I have to decide this quick so that I won’t fall into the same temptation again but eventually I did fall because of my flesh desire that comes from my past sexual thoughts.
Besides that, I started to pray for many hours experiencing God’s outpouring of His presence, his touch, his sweet and gentle voice and mostly His word from the scripture. I kept hearing Him say how much He loves me and How important I am in His eyes. He is loving, compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love even if I do mistakes He gently disciplines me through His spirit who helps me to fix my eyes on Jesus. I have learned and still under the learning process of shifting my thoughts to Christ my redeemer and the defender of my heart. It is quiet challenging at times especially when I am alone in the room but when I am in trouble I was able to call and cry out my Heavenly father who is always ready because ‘He is my refuge and strength an ever-present help in my trouble’ (Psalms 46:1) he is faithful in all He does just as how he says.
Moreover, on previous weeks I shared some of my struggles to my mother about my bad experience that I had because of my both sisters. Her answer was gentle and loving and I was encouraged to know the truth, she even shared with me about what she went through before because of her siblings. I started to see the new creation in me just as how God’s word says “the old has gone the new has come”. I have even share some of my stories with my church member and my friends and I have this hunger to share God’s love more to the Sunday school children about who God is and how much he loves them. I was given some opportunity to share God’s love to some strangers as well. This is all because of Jesus, all glory and honour and praise to Him alone.
This is my second testimony, I am experiencing so much of trials and temptations as well on my previous days. It is quiet discouraging and I felt ashamed and guilt to know what I’ve done to Christ. I am tempted because of my evil desires and God is so faithful to me, He never stops pursuing me nor does He fail to provide way out for me. But sometimes, because of my evil desires is too much I tend to ignore myself from hearing what the Spirit of God has to say. I have no idea upon how to really quit this behaviour of mine.
However, God hears me, he sees my heart, my wounds and my weaknesses. Still then He says I love you, Alex, I hate to see the sin that you are doing but I don’t hate you, I am here to heal you, I will help you, remain in me, come back to me for I want to heal you just as much as how you were hurt. I felt disappointed at myself, how great is my sin, I am sorry LORD. Help me for I am weak and unable to obey your words when I’m tempted then I cried harder than before… so He gave me this word from the scripture Psalm 130:5 it says ‘I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word, I put my hope’. At first, I don’t understand upon what God is telling me so I read the whole chapter of Psalms 130 and I stopped at verse3 and 4 which was written and it says ‘If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O LORD, who could stand? And then on verse 4 I cried so hard, it says ‘But with you there is forgiveness; therefore, you are feared.
Later at night I cried again I told God that I am sorry and I don’t want to do this anymore (I stopped watching pornography before I enter the class and after I enter the class I didn’t watch at all and even after the class finish I didn’t watch porn anymore but I was tempted through what I watched and I end up masturbating) so I said LORD please cleanse my thoughts purify me, sanctify me and make me clean renew my mind in Christ then I fell prostrate before God as I was crying I felt like I was kissing His leg that was covered with blood and the Holy spirit helps me to remember about Christ ultimate sacrifice for me on the cross. I remind myself about Jesus Christ precious Holy blood, the cross, his wounds, his brokenness for my sins and the Holy Spirit of God whispers in my ear this word ‘even while you are a sinner, He died for you on the cross’ and then He asks me to wake up and read Psalms 3 louder… I couldn’t stop crying but He kept on asking me to read it so I read:
Psalms 3 (A psalm of David. When he fled from His son Absalom)
1 O LORD, how many are my foes! How many rises up against me! 2 Many are saying of me, “God will not deliver him.” 3 But you are a shield around me, O LORD; You bestow glory on me and lift up my head 4 To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill. 5 I lie down and sleep, I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. 6 I will not fear tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side 7 Arise, O LORD! Deliver me, O my God! Strike all my enemies on the jaw; break the teeth of the wicked 8 From the LORD comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people.
So he asked me to repeat verse 7 again and again and I did… and I also read this chapter again and again then God told me that my sins are forgiven, I am redeemed by the blood of the lamb, I am his, do not be discouraged, I will fight every battle of yours, nothing is impossible, I am able, trust me, I love you, rejoice in me, remain in me… this is what I hear God says to me. He is so faithful even in my unfaithfulness. He assures me of His love and His grace, He even promised me that He will never leave me nor forsake me and most of all he asks me to remain in Him. I love you, Jesus. He sees my heart more than anything.
Lastly, before all of the above happens to me, God spoke to me and convicted me through His spirit for many times that I am called to serve Him as a full-time minister, He even promised me that He will provide everything for me, so I prayed and asked Him for the assurance that I am called for His ministry, He in reply told me this, I have already prepared for you someone, you will be assured of this calling through that person as how I sent Aaron to Moses, I am sending someone to help you with it, do not worry, Alex, I will be with you always I promise you. I have even told God that I am jobless, and I don’t even know how am I able to finish my studies for and my Dad will be retiring soon this year, my younger brother is going to outstation to continue his studies and my elder brother is being irresponsible and don’t even care about our family members and that my both sisters were married and not here with us anymore so how is it possible LORD? I asked, this is what He says, I have promised to provide for you, Alex, Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, trust me for I am able to provide for you, then He gave His promises and encourages me through His word from the scriptures, which is from the book of Isaiah 54:2-4, Isaiah 66:2, Jeremiah 1:5, Jeremiah 1:19, Philippians 1:6 and Isaiah 40:31. He is faithful and He is able and I trust Him with all my heart, soul and mind.
Finally, thank you Dr. Cherlene Robson for everything that you shared and encouraged me. Please pray for me as well. God bless you. Jesus loves you. Hope will get to see you again next time.
