Collette's Story: How a prayer saved my life.
I will attempt to put into words what God has done for me—how He healed me and has taken me by the hand every step of the way, how He transformed me into the person I had given up on becoming, and how He restored joy to my life. It is nothing short of a miracle.
As a child, I never truly understood what was missing. Over the years, things became increasingly bleak, though the change was so gradual that I could barely remember life being any different. My parents were trapped in an unhappy relationship, struggling to pay the bills. They wanted the best for us, but they were so burdened that they couldn’t provide my sisters and me with the love and support we needed. Witnessing their misery, my sisters and I pressured ourselves to never end up like them. This led us to push ourselves harder and harder.
During high school, as academic demands increased, I faced unaddressed challenges like ADHD without any help. I learned to "turn off" my emotions at will. One moment, I was on the verge of tears, exhausted from studying until 2–4 AM, feeling incompetent, and being scolded for not helping around the house. The next moment, I felt nothing. My parents fought constantly. My mother became increasingly unstable, and both of my parents were emotionally and physically abusive. At one point, my father even lifted me against the wall by my neck and choked me. Yet, I convinced myself that "it wasn’t that bad." I became numb. One day, I even thought, If I were to die now, maybe I’d finally be free. Life felt insignificant.
I watched the light fade from my twin sister’s eyes too. But we had each other, and that strange, unspoken bond kept us going. Meanwhile, my twin sister had become unable to work, battling severe depression among other struggles.
By the time I graduated high school, my parents had divorced, and my mother had moved out. Though things calmed down, the damage had already been done. My sister was struggling, and looking back now, I realize that I was little more than an empty shell of a human. I clung to distant childhood memories—moments of playing with my sisters, free of worry. But now, my life was filled with pressure, self-doubt, and anxiety. I thought that was just what growing up meant—that life simply chipped away at our hearts until we became socially acceptable versions of ourselves.
I had spent so much time trying to survive that I had no idea what I actually wanted to do with my life. With no clear direction, I enrolled in art school. I had always loved drawing, and I was too burnt out to endure more years of rigorous academic study to pursue something "prestigious" like law or medicine.
For a while, things were good. I met wonderful people and, for the first time, enjoyed schoolwork. But the relentless pressure remained in every aspect of my life. Would I ever be good enough? Was my work good enough? The only thing I knew to do was work harder.
Ironically, my hard work often led me to success. It improved my skills, and my "just do it" mentality even landed me my first job when many of my peers struggled to find work in our industry. Theoretically, I was doing well—I had good friends, a decent-paying job, and a cute little house by the lake. But despite all of this, I wasn’t happy.
Something was always pulling me down. I cried in solitude, never letting anyone see. A voice in my head whispered terrible things whenever I looked in the mirror, created a new piece of art, or tried to do something good. I often felt like the world would be better off without me. Some nights, I wished I would simply fall asleep and never wake up. Other times, I wished I had the courage to step in front of a bus, just to escape the relentless storm inside me. But something always held me back. I thought it was fear.
After more than 16 years of trying to find help through traditional mental healthcare, I slowly accepted that maybe this was just who I was—an irreparably broken person who would never know happiness or peace. I felt like a puzzle missing a vital piece, as if something had been stolen from me long ago. I suspect I was depressed, but I didn’t know how to stop. I just wished someone or something would stop me... from existing.
Since childhood, I had known how to recite the Lord’s Prayer. I remember, as a little girl, feeling like someone was truly listening. But over the years, my prayers became routine—empty words spoken into the void. Surrounded by family and friends who didn’t believe in God, I never had the opportunity to share my thoughts about faith beyond the walls of my bedroom. Yet, in my deepest sorrow, I let go of the scripted prayers and instead cried out to God: “Please, if You are really there, give me more. I can’t do this anymore. Please, please let me know You love me.”
Not long after, while riding the bus from my mom’s house to the central station in Breda, I noticed a gentleman in a sharp suit. Maybe it was something more than his attire that caught my eye that day. Unexpectedly, he greeted me and struck up a conversation. I was caught off guard, worried that maybe I had been staring. But as we talked, I learned that he also worked in the gaming industry—a coincidence that allowed our conversation to flow. Before we parted, he invited me to visit his company and explore potential opportunities to collaborate. He gave me his card.
When I later visited his workplace, I noticed the cross necklace around his neck. How nice to finally meet someone of faith, I thought. I want him to know that I believe in God too. But I didn’t know how to say it.
Over time, our conversations naturally led us to the topic of faith. One day, he asked me, “Do you believe in God?” For the first time, I opened up about it to someone else. He then asked if I had people to share my faith with and immediately invited me to his friends’ food and worship gatherings. He barely knew me, yet he welcomed me into something so deeply personal. They were all so warm and welcoming. Within a short time, it felt like I had known them for years.
This was the beginning of my new journey with Jesus. As we shared stories, read the Bible, sang songs, and asked countless questions, I felt a new fire igniting in my heart. But my journey wasn’t easy—my life remained turbulent, swinging between extreme highs and lows. Every time I tried to take control, I would stumble. But every time I fell, God lifted me up again. Still, I longed for more. And when I asked, I received.
One of my friends introduced me to God’s Embassy, an incredible church in Amsterdam. This place became the catalyst for the most profound changes in my life. There, I could feel the presence of the Holy Spirit. Every sermon spoke directly to my heart, as though God was speaking to me personally. My friends continued introducing me to more people, each playing a crucial role in my spiritual journey. At the end of the Alpha Course at Embassy, I fully surrendered my life to Jesus and invited the Holy Spirit into my heart. Six months later, I was baptized. A peace washed over me like nothing I had ever experienced before. I felt like a child again. Suddenly, I could see the beauty in everything and everyone around me.
For the first time, I could step outside myself and look at the girl who had suffered for so long. And instead of condemning her, I felt compassion. This person is worthy of love. Why have I been so cruel to her? I was able to study my thoughts and understand them better, realizing that I was not the person I thought I was—both in good and bad ways. Yet, I felt grace for the bad and a resolve to become better. For the first time in my life, I had the sense that I knew what to do. Even though, in practice, not much had changed in my actions or circumstances, that inner peace, trust, and confidence made all the difference. I came from a place where, even when everything seemed right and should have felt good, I felt dead inside—to a place where, even when everything goes wrong, the light and joy in my life cannot be dimmed.
This gave me a new kind of strength—a "superpower"—to face all the challenges thrown at me. And in this new journey of growing in my faith, there were many.
A lot started going wrong, and I felt attacked in the areas that hurt me the most:
My health, as I battled insecurity and self-image issues.
My financial stability.
My deep yearning to be seen and my tendency to seek validation in everything.
My fear of losing control.
All the things I had clung to for survival over the years began to be shaken.
Instead of being recognized for my hard work, I started facing criticism again. I felt unappreciated—no matter how hard I tried, it never seemed good enough. My opinions felt dismissed. I began experiencing intense stomach aches every day for over a year, eventually being diagnosed with IBS and told to "just learn to live with it" because there was no cure.
On top of it all, the faith that had literally saved my life was constantly ridiculed by my coworkers, deepening my fear of rejection. But as difficult as it was, I am now grateful for all of it—because through it all, God never left my side.
The Holy Spirit revealed truths about myself that were hard to admit, but in letting go, I found healing. Through prayer and deliverance, I walked through my past traumas and saw Jesus there—crying for me, but also holding and protecting me. He didn’t allow me to take my own life because He had a better plan. He didn’t let the violence of my past define my future because it wasn’t my time. And even when I was unfaithful to Him, He never stopped being faithful to me. All I had to do was accept His grace and allow Him to turn things around.
One of the people guiding me through these times has been Dr. Cherlene. Through her counseling, she has been like an anchor, keeping me steady in both calm and stormy waters while continually challenging me to grow. She has helped me discern and distinguish between God’s voice, my own thoughts, and the enemy’s lies that seek to hold me back. Even during seasons when life became overwhelming and I spent less time with God, her sessions always reignited my faith, reminding me to draw strength from Him.
After my personal experience with mental healthcare—which is still failing my sister—I had lost faith in that system. However, I now realize that the missing element was the Holy Spirit. One cannot truly address the attacks on the mind and heart without recognizing that it is a spiritual battle. Finding godly answers to my struggles has been a tremendous blessing, and I wholeheartedly recommend it to everyone, even those who are not facing mental health challenges.
My foundation is now stronger than ever. While I would be lying if I said I never worry or make mistakes, I know that I can always try again and trust that God will take care of me. I have faith that this journey will have a beautiful ending.
This peace has allowed me to create art and explore life with childlike wonder. I can now embrace my creative, chaotic self—just as God made me—and see the strength in being different, rather than constantly striving to meet expectations. God does not make mistakes, and I am excited every day to discover His plans for my life and purpose.
I never could have imagined such a drastic transformation in my heart and life. I have learned to accept and find peace in the fact that we don’t always know what lies ahead, but we can trust that God will reveal it to us in His perfect timing—exactly when we need it and when we are ready. If only we invite Him in and allow Him to work.
I continue to pray that my twin sister and everyone walking through darkness will have the same life-changing encounter with Jesus that I had—that they will experience His profound love, healing, and power. In many ways, she is like a mirror, reflecting what my life could have been, which serves as undeniable proof that my healing did not simply come with time, age, or effort.
I hope this testimony will be a spark of light for whoever reads it. No matter how deep your depression feels or how impossible the way out seems, know that God can and will rescue you if you truly seek Him. Your weakness, your doubts, or even your past mistakes do not limit His power—for He can do anything. Come exactly as you are, not as you pretend to be. Ask Him personally, and see what God can do.
