Angelina James: A Journey Towards Restoration.
For as long as I can remember, I've grappled with the question of "Why me?" Even as a young teenager, I found myself questioning the meaning of life and my existence. Why couldn’t I be someone else? The self-loathing was intense, and the feelings of inadequacy consumed my every thought.
I grew up in a large family, the sixth of seven children. My father worked long hours running a sundry shop, leaving him with little time for us. My mother, overwhelmed with daily tasks like cooking, cleaning, and ensuring we were ready for school, had even less time. In the chaos of our home, my mother’s discipline often included comparing me to others, asking, "Why can't you be like so-and-so?" At times, in moments of frustration, she would even chain me to a water pipe as a form of punishment. This environment left me feeling unloved, unaccepted, and with low self-esteem. I came to believe that I had to "perform" in order to be loved, seen, and affirmed. But deep down, I felt like I was never good enough.
My childhood was marked by unmet emotional needs. I often felt unheard and overlooked as the opinions of my many siblings took precedence. Growing up in a family where the caregivers, despite their best intentions, didn’t know how to nurture my spirit, left me struggling to navigate relationships, both in school and in my adult life. The seed of anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness grew in me. I made vows that I would leave my parents once I became independent and that I would never be like them. These vows, though a means of coping, would later become chains that kept me bound, creating a deep internal prison.
The journey to healing would take many years, and it wasn't until my midlife crisis that I began to experience the wholeness I had longed for. But the process began with a significant turning point in my teenage years: a personal encounter with Jesus Christ at the age of 13. He saved me in ways that I cannot fully express, rescuing me from the darkness that clouded my heart. In my early walk with God, the Holy Spirit illuminated the truth of God's Word, and I began to embrace the concepts of confession, forgiveness, and repentance. Obedience to God's Word and appropriating my identity in Christ were pivotal to my transformation.
The truth, as the Bible says, has the power to set us free (John 8:32). Through God's unconditional love, I was freed from my own self-made truths, which were rooted in insecurity and false beliefs. But the full healing I needed would not come until much later in life.
In my adult years, the struggle for purpose continued. Despite being a Christian, I found myself caught in the illusion that more church activities or deeper spiritual devotion would bring me fulfillment. The busyness of life—career, family, and ministry—only masked the emptiness I felt deep inside. My efforts to serve and please God, though genuine, were insufficient to address the longing for deeper meaning. I found temporary relief in spiritual activities, but they were merely self-medication, not the true solution.
At 48, I hit a wall. Disillusioned with my career, my life, and even my relationship with God, I found myself in a place of deep frustration. I had served God since my teenage years, yet I felt unrewarded and overlooked. I was angry. I compared myself to others who seemed to enjoy the material blessings I felt were due to me. This resentment boiled over in an outburst to my wife: “Where are the blessings, God? I’ve served You faithfully all these years. You haven’t kept Your promises. You don’t love me!”
It was in this moment that I recognized something within me had shifted. I had subconsciously cut myself off from God. I didn’t doubt His existence, but I had lost trust in His goodness and love for me. I was stuck, paralyzed between my anger and the need to feel loved by Him.
But God's love never leaves us. Even in my pain and anger, He invited me into a deeper journey of healing. I continued to show up at church, though with clenched fists, silently crying out to God. His presence became the place where I could express my pain and let the Holy Spirit speak truth into my heart.
Over time, I came to understand that the deep wounds I carried from my childhood—feeling unloved, unworthy, and overlooked—were triggered by unmet expectations in my relationship with God. My disappointment with Him felt like a repetition of the pain I experienced from my parents, but now magnified because it was God, my Heavenly Father. The natural conclusion was that He didn’t love me, just as I had believed in my childhood.
The process of healing was slow but powerful. Through counseling, prayer, and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I began to identify the lies I had believed for so long. The Holy Spirit brought to light my past vows and sins, such as my failure to honor my parents. I had to confess, repent, and seek forgiveness, not only from God but also in forgiving those who had hurt me.
The turning point came when I attended a seminar on trauma and shame. The Holy Spirit deeply ministered to me during that time, helping me uncover long-hidden wounds in my heart. I cried more than I ever had before, as God's light revealed the truth in me. The process of inner healing was transformative, but it also required patience and perseverance.
Today, I can confidently say that I am a child and son of God. The journey to wholeness was not quick, but it was worth every step. I have learned the power of relying on the Holy Spirit for guidance, insight, and healing. His presence has been invaluable in helping me transform my mind and thoughts, replacing the lies I once believed with the truth of God's Word.
The journey to true self in Christ is ongoing. It requires a deep, continuous renewal of the mind and spirit. As believers, we must intentionally rely on the Holy Spirit, both in counseling and in our personal lives. He is the one who can guide us to our true identity in Christ, healing our wounds and transforming us from the inside out.
In my personal journey, it became clear that true wholeness could only be found when my spirit was ministered to. The process of healing is incomplete if we neglect the spiritual aspect of who we are. I continue to walk this journey, depending on God to reveal new areas of healing and transformation as the Holy Spirit brings them to light.
As we minister to others, we must always point them to Jesus—the Great Physician, the God of the impossible. He is the one who can heal, restore, and transform, leading us to our true self in Him.
