Amanda & Jacob’s Story: Infidelity

Amanda’s Story

My husband and I got married in 2012. We met in Sunday school when I was 9. He is a very warm and gentle person. Always helpful and caring for others. A very attentive person. He has always been popular with women. He had many female friends. I didn't mind because I trusted him. I thought he was honest. Until he had an emotional affair with a colleague in 2017. He started behaving differently, was more distant at home, was on his phone more often. He also began to pay more attention to his clothes and hair. He also attended sports school more often. While their affair didn't become physical/sexual, it was enough to damage my trust in him. After I found out, he broke off all contact with her. He deleted all the messages to and from her and her phone number. The next day he went to her to tell her that he didn't want to have any more contact with her. Shortly thereafter, she stopped working at his organization and they haven't seen each other since.

He showed great remorse and promised to do everything he could to make things right. We read the book 'Healing marriage when trust is broken' by Cindy Beall together. There, we learned that God must have a central place in marriage. We started praying with each other more often, every morning and every evening. After we finished reading the book we went on holiday. After the holidays, my husband thought it was time to close this chapter and to move on. However, I wasn't really ready to do that yet. I still felt a lot of pain, sadness, uncertainty and fear inside but he didn't want to talk about it anymore. He said he has really learned his lesson and he won't let this happen again. He thought it was also time for me to move on. I wanted to give him a second chance. So I hide away my pain, sadness, uncertainty and fear and hoped that one day these feelings will go away.

In 2020, my husband had his second emotional affair. This time with a Christian woman he met at a 3-months Christian training. During these 3 months he had to stay on campus four days a week, this made it possible for him to spend a lot of time with her. Already after the first few weeks I noticed that something was going on between them, but he promised that nothing was wrong and that they were just friends. But he was already doing more than what normal friends would do. As in his first affair in 2017, they texted each other daily and also called each other regularly. The only times they didn't text each other or call each other were the days they were on the campus together. When she was sick, he drove 2 hours to get groceries for her and then he stayed alone at her house for another 2 hours. He insisted that they were just friends but his actions confirm that they were more than that. He did things for her that he would do for me while we were dating. I was stuck, it was as if I was talking to a wall. I took him to God, together in prayer, there I asked the Holy Spirit to show us the truth. Then he broke down and confessed that he had feelings for her. As with the first time, he showed a lot of remorse. He broke off all contact with her.  Once again he promised that he will never let something like this happen again, that he will do everything he can to make it right. But I find it hard to believe, as much as I wanted to believe him, I couldn't. The hidden pain, sadness, uncertainty and fear of the previous affair all resurfaced. In the months that followed, we prayed and fasted several times. In that period he confessed a lot. He admitted that he fell in love quickly. He started to like her after the first few days already. On the one hand I really appreciated his honesty, but on the other hand it hurt to hear it. If he could give away his heart to someone else so quickly, then what exactly was I to him?  Was I really his first choice or was I just a coincidence? Did he really love me or was I just filler, a temporary fix? Maybe I am just not the right person for him? Or perhaps I have never been and never will be good enough for him? Is it still wise for me to stay in this marriage? My insecurity increased further.  I couldn't handle this alone anymore. Something had to be done, something had to change.

A friend of mine advised to get marriage counselling. I discussed it with my husband and he agreed to this idea. During one of the sessions we learned that it is healthy to express your emotions, to talk about your feelings on the one hand and to listen without judging on the other. That was an encouragement for me to talk to my husband about my hidden fears, insecurities, pain and sadness.  In the days after that session, I shared all the thoughts and feelings that I have been struggling with since his first emotional affair in 2017. My husband learned to listen to me without getting defensive. He gave the space to ventilate my thoughts and emotions. I felt heard for the first time in a long time, it was a huge relief.

Another issue I have been struggling with ever since his first emotional affair was the big ‘WHY’. Why did he do what he did? What was he missing?  I have been asking him this question all the time but I never got the answer. Not because he didn't want to tell, but simply because he didn't know why.  After reading the book we received as homework from Dr. Robson, we have both gained more insights on the subject infidelity. One of the chapters was dedicated to this why-question. After finishing the chapter, we went to God in prayer. There we laid down this question as God guided him through the events. It turns out it is a combination of loneliness, need for attention and a listening ear. In 2017 I was busy with my work so I gave him less time and attention for a long period of time. In 2020, he was physically separated from me, which increased the loneliness. In both cases, he set no boundaries and was open to attention and company from other women. This opened the door of our marriage to possible intruders.

In the months after counseling began, more clean-up actions followed. My husband confessed to me about all the women who had once caught his attention but from which no affair had arisen. He told me everything honestly and afterwards asked God and me for forgiveness. So we did a big clean-up in his life. But the cleaning was not only in his life but also in mine. Because of my husband's honesty, I felt that I also had to be honest.  I confessed that I had an emotional affair with a colleague in 2016 that my husband knew nothing about. That affair went on for a few months. I started that affair out of curiosity. We had been married for 3 years back then and it became a routine. In 2015 I started a new job and met this colleague. He showed a lot of interest in me. He came to my desk and sought for my attention quite often. He was my senior and I was impressed by his knowledge. At first the contacts were mostly work related, but after a year, we started to share more about our private lives. We texted each other more frequently, sometimes even till past midnight. At some point he said that he has decided to give his relationship with his ex-girlfriend another chance. Hence, that was how our emotional affair ended. Back then my husband knew I was close with this colleague but he was not aware of the frequency or intensity of our contact. But where God shines his light on, there can be no darkness. I too had honestly confessed everything and asked and received forgiveness from God and my husband.

Together we have now set clear boundaries for each other in our interactions with people of the opposite sexes. The previous mentioned book (our homework book) also provided practical tips for setting boundaries. For example, we agreed that contact with colleagues of opposite sexes is only during office hours, except for urgent work-related situations. And contacts with church members of the opposite sex should only be at the church, plus, involve the other as much as possible. We want to avoid one on one contact with people of the opposite sex as much as possible and we no longer want to engage into solo-friendship with people of the opposite sex.

I gradually see improvements in my husband's life. He is an even better listener than before. He is learning to recognize possible ‘dangerous’ situations. One day, he picked up his phone and started blocking females with whom he had solo-friendships with and removing them from his phone. This inspires me to do the same. I have also blocked and deleted a few guys from my contact list. Also he is more conscious in selecting movies, tv-programs and music, avoiding the ones that contains sexual contents. He is also more involved in the household in general. Doing dishes, the laundry, fixing broken stuff at home, etc. In overall I think he is more matured.

We now pray for each other every morning that the Holy Spirit will act as an alarm system in us. That we learn to recognize danger and that we may become sensitive to His voice. That we do not seek out danger but rather avoid them. We as human are simply not strong enough to withstand the enemy. But when danger comes our way, we can bring it before God. We may not be able to handle them ourselves, but when we are honest with ourselves and humble before each other and before God, His Spirit can work.

Jacob’s Story

Dear reader,

I hope you want to take some time to read my story. I believe this story can help you or someone else. No matter how that situation is. God is able to help, to restore and to heal. When I look back at these periods of my life, I know it was indeed a very dark time. Two periods of liking someone else/ falling in love with others than my own wife. A time of darkness, worries, brokenness, fear and a lot of pain and suffering. Yes, all this misery is the result of liking someone else. The result of broken a promise between me, my wife and God. To have broken this marriage covenant.

Next to all this negativity there is true hope. There is healing. There is transformation. There is love. There is joy. There is peace. There is a new fresh start. All of this is thanks to our loving God and my wife. He and my wife gave me another chance. God made a way where there indeed seemed to be no way. I love God and my wife very much. I am grateful to them. I will try to describe the events that happened, the positive things like the lessons learned and last but not least how did I and my wife experienced the goodness of the Lord during these storms of our life.

2017 and 2020

My wife and I were married for 5 years in 2017. I liked someone from work in that year. She was a new colleague. In the beginning I told myself we are just colleagues nothing else.  But after seeing each other more often during (lunch) breaks and having more contact through WhatsApp I was indeed in love with her, while I told my wife and I, I only liked that colleague. When I look back due to a lot of guilt, shame and fear I was afraid to look inside my heart in a honest way whether I just liked that colleague or that I was in love with her. After my wife found out that I liked that colleague. There were a few steps I took.

I stopped having contact with her through WhatsApp and at work. My wife and I looked for God after the exposure, talked about the emotional affair and we read a Christian book which helps couples when trust is broken in a marriage and read also partly a Christian book about marriage. This period took approximately 3 months. I thought this was sufficient for our marriage to get on track again. So, we tried to move on and made the best of it.

A comparable situation occurred in 2020. I went to a Bible school and again I liked/ was in love with another woman.  In the beginning I told myself we are just friends nothing else. I told my wife I met this person.  But after seeing each other often, because of staying at the school for a few months and having more contact through WhatsApp after a while I was indeed in love with her, while I told my wife and myself that we were only friends. When I look back due to a lot of guilt, shame and fear I was afraid to look inside my heart in an honest way whether I just liked that woman or that I was in love with her. Eventually after a few months after the exposure there was a time, I had quiet time (My wife and I were very broken in that period). God told me the way how I treat this woman from the school is the same how I treat my colleague in 2017. That sometimes I did the extra mile for her, for both of them. Actually, it was the same way how I treat my wife when we started dating many years ago. This was indeed a revelation. I told God I was very sorry and also asked for forgiveness. I told my wife about this revelation and was very sorry that I was in love with these women and for how I have treated her and asked her to forgive me. At a certain moment of this period of misery with a lot of pain, tears, fear, worries and brokenness I told God in prayer I want to be honest towards Him, my wife and myself. Even this means pain and fear, because I know God longs for honesty, an honest heart. When we are honest and humble ourselves, He is able to work through the mess. God is faithful. He never let go, no matter how desperate the situation is.

Looking back

After 2017 I was confident enough that liking someone else than my own wife will not happen again. We had this process of healing with each other and God for a few months. Actually, during this process of healing my wife and I talked what happened, but I did not dig deep in my heart what happened. Of course, I know what happened was wrong, but did not share much of certain details. It was more sharing in a broadly way.

I told my wife I will be honest with whom I was in contact with in the future. I thought being so was enough to prevent a next emotional affair.

After the exposure of the emotional affair in 2020 my wife and I eventually looked for professional help. There was more pain and suffering than in 2017. Partially this affair was for the second time and I chose to be honest towards God, my wife and myself. As a result, I confessed many things in details towards God and my wife, which brought forgiveness and healing.

We eventually went for Christian marriage counselling. A counsellor has helped us during every session pointing towards Gods Word combined with practical solutions in order to get restoration and healing. Marriage problems are just too complex to deal without a professional Christian counsellor. I thought I was able to do so, but I was very wrong about this. The counsellor can see certain things from a different point of view, is able to give advice regarding certain subjects, can give certain assignments to benefit one's relationship and much more.

One of the lessons learned through counselling was: don’t start new friendships with women, set boundaries when dealing with female colleagues and discuss them with your wife. This also brought trust back in my wife.

Looking back at these storms of emotional affaires in 2017 and 2020. These results of sin is only suffering, pain, tears, fear and stress. Restoration and healing in a marriage require honesty, patience, humbleness, obedience, faith, love, forgiveness, positivity towards God, your spouse and yourself.

At a certain moment with total brokenness, honesty and humbleness I kneeled down in prayer for help last year and God is faithful. My wife and I have felt multiple times His love, His comfort, His peace in situations where there seemed to be no way. In situations where my wife and I thought this might be the end. The marriage is over. I am very glad God provided a way, multiple times. Now it has been about one year since the exposure of the last emotional affair. It was a difficult year, but one with restoration and healing step by step. The marriage between me and my wife is getting better. I am different than before. I am more focused on our marriage and have an eye for my wife's needs. What a fool I was to fall in love with someone else. My wife is so sweet, beautiful, caring a huge gift from the Lord given to me. I am so grateful she is in my life and I love her very much.  Also, our relationship with the Lord is good, getting better. That is the key, to have quiet time with your spouse together. Seek the Lord together daily. He wants us and you to succeed in marriage. He wants us to have life abundantly in marriage. He wants our marriage to be a reflection of the relationship between Him and mankind as intended.

I hope I have encouraged you with my story. No matter how your marriage is. There is hope and there is help. Sometimes the course of healing can be rough, but God is there in the midst. He is the help and helps you sometimes through people, like this Christian counselor Dr. Robson. Please give it a try.

A very blessed client.