Realistic Marriage Solutions
June 20, 2023 | DR. CHERLENE ROBSON
Conflict is inevitable in a relationship, including in marriages. We often feel stuck when we are unhappy with our spouse, and life can become overwhelming, making it challenging to move forward in a positive and healthy way. Time and experience are needed to heal pain, and it cannot be rushed. Upon reflecting on your past experiences, you will come to recognize that the current overwhelming and painful event in your life right now will eventually become a smaller part of your overall life, losing much of its significance.
Remember, behind every beautiful life, there has been some kind of worthwhile pain. Most things in life often stem from painful experiences. You trip and you fall, but you stand strong through it all. You live and learn from mistakes. You have been wounded but not defeated. Think of what a priceless gift it is to grow through these experiences – they mature you, build your character, perseverance, and make you the whole person you are meant to be, not bitter but compassionate and merciful (Rom 5:3-5). It is a small price to pay for immeasurable moments of love and joy when we are willing to take responsibility for our actions and change for the better.
As born-again Christians, it is important to remind ourselves of God's best for us in marriage. There are a few fundamental biblical steps to having a good marriage as God intended. If you are willing to follow them, you can live with a clean conscience and set healthy boundaries, care enough to confront and inspire each other toward a better life, becoming what you are meant to be. However, if you are unwilling, it will make your situation harder and present a challenge to move forward in a positive and healthy way, which is not what God intended for any marriage to remain unsatisfied.
Here are a few fundamentals to understand the commitment of a marriage vow between husband and wife. If you find yourself not implementing any of these, it's not too late to start putting them into practice. As your counselor, I strongly encourage you to do your best to save your marriage. The devil comes to kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10) your relationships, so it is important that you are not unaware of his schemes. When trials and difficulties arise, you will be better equipped to withstand the evil one. However, it is essential to start by repenting and submitting to God. By doing so, you can resist the devil, and he will flee from you (James 4:7). Taking these steps will help set you free from bondage and strongholds, ultimately improving your relationship with each other.
Marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman
For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish. We have often heard these words repeated in many wedding ceremonies, and if you are married, you have likely said them yourself. But what does it truly mean to be in a covenant marriage, and how does it enrich our lives and fulfill God's purpose? At the heart of a covenant marriage lies the desire not just to survive but to thrive together. It entails loving, encouraging, and cherishing one another while continually seeking Christ in our relationship as stated in (Genesis 2:24), 'That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Matthew 19:6).
Ask yourself: Are you showing your spouse your commitment to love and cherish each other till death do you part?
If not, make your decision to stay faithful.
Marriage entails leaving and cleaving
“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). So what does leaving and cleaving look like? In short, establishing clear and healthy boundaries. Unfortunately, in-laws can end up contributing to marriage problems and bring a lot of complications in the relationship between husband and wife. If one spouse still cling to their parents, conflict, disunity and disorder will bring challenges in your marriage. If you want to have a healthy relationship in your marriage, it is crucial to leave and cleave to your spouse and concentrate on building your own healthy unit family.
Ask yourself: Are you leaving and cleaving to your spouse without complaining or desiring to live close to your parents? Are you willing to build your own family unit together in love and harmony, free from interference by your parents? Are you setting healthy boundaries and creating your own family unit? If not, repent and make the decision to leave and cleave.
Open honest communication
Effective communication plays a vital role in fostering a strong and healthy marriage. Regardless of the challenges that may arise in any relationship, adopting a healthy communication style can facilitate conflict resolution and contribute to the development of a more resilient and harmonious bond with your spouse. Honesty and transparency should extend to all aspects of life, including finances, as trust is built on openness. If one spouse withholds information about their income or finances, it may raise concerns. There should be no hidden secrets between spouses, emphasizing the importance of open and honest communication. Practicing active listening and assertiveness is crucial in cultivating good communication skills. Remember, communication is a skill that can be learned and improved upon, allowing us to express love and gentleness towards one another.
Ask yourself: Take a moment to reflect on your communication patterns with your spouse. Do I engage in active listening and practice assertiveness? Am I honest and transparent in every aspect of my life with my spouse including finances? Are there any hidden agendas or secrets that my spouse is unaware of? Do I genuinely trust my spouse? If you find areas where you have fallen short, it is essential to repent and seek forgiveness for any lack of honesty and transparency on your part. Remember, trust and open communication are foundations for a healthy and thriving marriage.
Taking responsibility
Taking responsibility for how you treat each other as a spouse is crucial in a relationship. Learn to stop reacting by taking full responsibility. Only you can manage your triggers, your anger, your emotions, your hands, and your tongue. God tells us in His Word that the tongue has incredible power. We can use our tongue to bring blessings and life or curses and death. (Pro 21:23,1Pet 3:10, Pro 18:20-21) Stop justifying, stop arguing, stop defending, stop complaining, stop explaining. Be humble and start repenting before God and turn away from your own selfish desire and expectation of your marriage. Marriage is not about you! It’s about your spouse and how you can cherish, nurture and build each other up with love and respect as a couple. (Eph 5:33) However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Love is not selfish! (1Cor 13:4-8) Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails.
Ask yourself: Are you taking responsibility for your own actions, especially your tongue? Have you spoken curses and hurtful words to your spouse? If so, repent and ask for forgiveness.
Set Healthy boundaries
While it is wise to avoid being easily offended, refraining from addressing serious sins or tolerating harmful behavior is not genuine forbearance. Instead, it is unwise and can ultimately result in becoming involved in unproductive and negative actions (Eph 5:11). One should learn to be comfortable with discomfort and speak up when necessary. Be assertive and set healthy boundaries. Boundaries is what you believe in. Throughout your life, people can and will provoke you. Yet, you are still responsible for how you handle yourself when that happens. A wife’s perception is her reality. It’s not about what the husband thinks, but about how the wife feels and vice versa. Instead of blaming others or playing the victim, it's essential to avoid dwelling in self-pity.
Remember, good and positive things come to those who maintain hope, even in the face of disappointment. It applies to those who still believe despite experiencing failure and to those who continue to choose love despite being hurt multiple times. Grant yourself grace and grow from situations that didn't work out. Remind yourself that even in moments of disappointment, you are still good enough. You can experience failure and still possess intelligence, capability, and giftedness. You may let people down, but you are still worthy.
“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you. He will never leave or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”- (Deuteronomy 31:8) God forgives us and offers another chance to grow. We all make mistakes and learn as we journey towards discovering the truth that is written in His Word.
Ask yourself: Are you setting healthy boundaries? Are you victimizing and blaming your spouse for things he/she did or didn't do? If so, it's time to repent and start establishing healthy boundaries. Take responsibility, be assertive and stop being a victim.
Character
A person's actions reflect their character. Throughout your life, you will encounter individuals who say all the right things at the right moments. However, in the end, it is their actions that truly reveal their true character. It is a humbling reminder of how you manifest your own character towards those who are closest to you, especially your spouse. Therefore, cherish the people who genuinely matter, your spouse and children. Guard your heart and your mind so that it will not defile your spirit, soul, and body.
If your life is focused only on how to meet your needs, “me, me, me” it becomes narcissistic.
Ask yourself: Do I have good character? Do I honor my spouse? How do I treat my spouse? Is it with love and respect, or with contempt or deceit? If you find that you have been lacking in love and respect, it is time to repent and turn away from your negative attitude and behavior. Start showing love and respect towards your spouse and cherish each other. (Rom 12:10, Rom 13:8, 1Thess 5:15)
Kindness
Small acts of kindness can greatly improve your relationship, it starts from your own home. However, kindness without boundaries can lead to being used and eventually feeling resentful. Stewarding one's resources, including time, energy, money, and talent, is both biblical and wise, it’s not selfish. It is crucial to remember that kindness can be practiced even when conflicts and disagreements arise. Make a conscious effort to nurture kindness and continue giving, even when faced with difficulty or pain. Sometimes, a simple smile or a hug can have a profound impact. (Proverbs 3:3 - Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart) advises us to hold onto kindness and truth, embracing them as fundamental principles in our lives, especially within the context of our homes.
Ask yourself: Have I shown kindness to my spouse and refrained from punishing them for their shortcomings? If not, it is time to repent and cultivate a practice of kindness instead of punishment. It is a sin to seek revenge or punish your spouse through actions like stonewalling (silent treatment) or withholding things of value from them.
Forgiveness
Extending forgiveness is a Christian value, As Christians – we are called to forgive, but that does not require someone to be a perpetual doormat or trust someone who has repeatedly harmed the individual. Forgiveness does not necessarily lead to the reconciliation of a relationship that has been harmful or in an abusive relationship. However, granting forgiveness is crucial and for the benefit of the individual to be set free from the bondage of unforgiveness, so that you will not be imprisoned by your own unforgiveness that will lead to bitterness and eventually will affect your mental health such as depression. Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. (Matt 18:21-22). For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matt 6: 14-15)
Ask yourself: Do I still harbor resentment and unforgiveness towards my spouse? If so, it's time to repent and let go of your unrepentant heart and attitude. Do not harden your heart! Guard your mind! Choose to forgive your spouse and move forward. However, if your relationship is abusive and toxic, it's important to stop being a doormat and establish healthy boundaries. Nevertheless, forgiveness remains crucial for freeing yourself from the bondage of unforgiveness that can lead to bitterness. It is a sin before God.
Know your identity in Christ
Sometimes, we attempt to portray ourselves as flawless to gain acceptance and approval from everyone around us. However, we should not strive for that. The true beauty lies in our vulnerability, our complex emotions, and our authentic imperfections. When we embrace who we are in Christ Jesus and choose to be genuine, rather than trying to conform to others' expectations, we open ourselves up to genuine relationships, true happiness, and fulfilling our destiny.
Therefore, it is important to nurture the relationship you have with yourself today, especially with your spouse. Remember that you are good enough, smart enough, and strong enough. You don't need others, including your spouse, to validate your worth. You are already valuable in God's eyes.“You are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you.”- (Isaiah 43:4)
Ask yourself: Do I know my identity in Christ, or do I constantly seek approval from others? Am I a people pleaser to the point of becoming a slave to myself? Do I possess a spirit of sonship or an orphan spirit? If you find yourself resonating with the latter, it is time to repent for your unbelief in the promises God has given you in His word.
How to stop toxic relationships?
Stop being a people pleaser!
While being a giver is commendable, it becomes problematic when the individual struggles to say "no" and easily feels guilty or manipulated into changing her/his decisions. When the individual is unquestionably loyal to a habitual liar, cheater or a narcissistic person, or to someone who doesn’t reciprocate loyalty, then her loyalty becomes dangerous and harmful to her/him and her/his health. Some individuals have a hard time leaving a relationship, even when that person is toxic. The Bible says to love your enemy, but it doesn’t require people to trust an enemy or be friends with an enemy. Start putting healthy boundaries. If the person does not respect your boundaries, it’s a red flag!
Stop accepting verbal abuse and manipulation! Toxic people or narcissistic individual exploit those who forgive repeatedly and expecting the spouse to be submissive, by quoting scriptures, Why? Because they can perpetually take advantage, abuse, and neglect the spouse with no accountability, consequences, or restitution. While effective communication is important in relationships, it is crucial to recognize that it should not be exploited by toxic individuals. These individuals often manipulate communication to their advantage without taking responsibility for their actions. It is essential to hold them accountable and require them to make amends for the harm they have caused.
Stop accepting a selfish person!
A selfish person loves to be with someone who is willing to give up their needs, goals, feelings, voice, and identity to make them happy. Sometimes, especially women, are wrongly taught that their Biblical role is to orient themselves around a man's needs, goals, desires, and wants.
Biblically, dying to self does not mean having no self. It means dying to pride and ego, in other words, not being narcissistic. When a woman allows herself to be worth less than the other person, she will begin to feel worthless. When she is treated as an object to be used instead of a person to be loved, her selflessness not only hurts her, but it also hurts the other person by allowing selfishness to grow. Therefore, it is important to set healthy boundaries and stop the person from reacting selfishly.
How to have a healthy biblical marriage relationship?
Date each other - make an effort to set aside the time because if you don’t, then it definitely won’t happen! No excuses, no compromises, set a budget and plan it in your diary, make it a priority if you are serious in maintaining a healthy marriage. Dating doesn't have to be expensive; it can be enjoyed through simple activities such as taking a walk, exploring new places, having a special homemade dinner, dining out, or watching a good movie together. The focus is on creating meaningful experiences and spending quality time with your partner, rather than solely relying on costly outings.
Be Consistent, honest and transparent communication - practice active listening and validate each other's feelings. Practice assertiveness. If you didn’t do this, it’s time to change how you communicate with each other. No couple is perfect at communication. But there is a tool that can make it easier for you to communicate in a healthy way. Seek to understand the other person and don’t try to insist your points and ideology, or demand that the person listen to you (that is narcissistic behavior). It never works so why do it!
Showing daily connection and affection that leads to intimacy - it is important to show physical affection but this doesn’t necessarily mean sex all the time when you try to be close physically with your spouse, (although it’s more likely to go that way!). A good morning, a kiss on the cheek, holding hands when walking together, and a hug is a normal gesture for all married couples who love and respect each other. It’s a courtesy to greet your spouse before the day starts. If you haven’t done this! You miss out on something very basic and crucial in your relationship. Stop taking each other for granted, be grateful and show appreciation and acknowledge each other's kind words, and gestures. Actions speak louder than words. Actions can reveal a person's true intentions, values, and character, often conveying more meaning and impact than verbal expressions alone.
Draw close to Jesus! Intimacy with God - this is the basic foundation for your marriage. Draw Close to God and He will draw close to you. Move your heart closer and closer to God, and he will come even closer to you. But make sure you cleanse your life, you sinners, and keep your heart pure and stop doubting. Feel the pain of your sin, be sorrowful and weep! (James 4:8).
(Luke 10:27) And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.
You, therefore, pray like this: ‘Our Father in heaven! May your Name be kept holy. May your Kingdom come, your will be done on earth as in heaven. Give us the food we need today. Forgive us what we have done wrong (our sin), as we too have forgiven those who have wronged(sinned against) us. And do not lead us into hard testing (temptation), but keep us safe (deliver us) from the Evil One (the devil). For kingship, power and glory are yours forever. Amen.’ (Matt 6:9-13)Daily prayer and meditation on the word - one of THE most important things you can do for your relationship is to pray!
Praying together builds intimacy with your spouse. It is difficult to be hostile with someone who is by your side as you’re having a conversation with God! Pray for each other, and if your spouse has yet to have a relationship with Jesus, it is crucial to pray for his/her salvation. Don’t complain, don’t condemn, don’t judge, but instead pray, fast, and intercede, it’s your responsibility to see that your unbeliever spouse receives salvation through Christ Jesus. You can’t expect your unbeliever husband/wife to agree with all your views, and it will only increase conflict and disagreement. Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self (inner character), the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. (1 Peter 3:1-4 ).
My question is, does your life demonstrate the characteristics of Christ. Are you a living testimony for your spouse to want to know your God? Or does your behavior and character draw him further away from believing your God? But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.” When Naomi realized that Ruth was determined to go with her, she stopped urging her. (Ruth 1: 16-18 )
And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves. (Note: here is Not talking about a believer leaving his/her spouse), let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. (1Cor 7: 13-15)
I hope this article provides you with a deeper understanding of the foundational and fundamental principles for maintaining a strong and healthy marriage. I urge you to implement the teachings of the Word of God outlined in these points. By doing so, you can take positive steps towards improving your relationship with your spouse. It is important to remain committed and faithful, as God detests divorce due to the detrimental effects it can have on the family, particularly the emotional well-being of children and the far-reaching consequences that follow. For I hate divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel…. (Malachi 2:16a)
Love is the greatest! 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked (nor overly sensitive and easily angered); it does not take into account a wrong endured (keeps no record of wrongs). It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth (when right and truth prevail). Love bears all things (regardless of what comes), believes all things (looking for the best in each one), hopes all things (remaining steadfast during difficult times), endures all things (without weakening). Love never fails (it never fades nor ends).
The fruit of the Holy Spirit that should be manifested through you is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, longsuffering, and self-control. (Gal 5:22-23)
Shalom, Peace in Jesus Christ,
Dr. Cherlene Robson
