Lewis’s Story: A marriage turn around

This year began with several life events that resulted in burnout – the birth of my third child, the responsibility of raising two other young children, maintaining a marriage, working a full-time job, and studying to advance my career. Initially, I thought I just needed some rest, to find balance and rhythm in my daily activities, adjust, and move on. However, after several months, I found myself even more lost when I  ruminated on negative thoughts, believing I wasn't able to meet the demands placed on me.

I initially chose the path I was on and held myself responsible, feeling inadequate to fulfill my roles, especially as a husband and father. My wife and I had significant fights that started with trivial things but were rooted in fundamental beliefs about ourselves, our relationship, how to raise our children, and our beliefs about God. It reached a point where we were uncertain about the future, questioning whether being together would bring us happiness...

I was convinced of three things: Divorce wasn't an option. The path our marriage was taking was not acceptable. We needed help.

I convinced my wife that we needed to talk to someone about our marriage problems, and she agreed, after an emotional struggle to admit we needed help, because In our culture and upbringing, seeking help with marriage issues is often considered a sign of weakness and shame. So, the condition was that it must be a Christian counselor/coach due to our Christian faith. We discovered Faith-Based Counselling, saw that Cherlene was someone with credentials, and most importantly, with testimonials that spoke of life transformations.

During the intake call, it became clear to us what her approach would be. Despite our initial apprehension about discussing our innermost troubles, it felt right for us to choose Cherlene as our counselor. We had to learn the basics of our personalities and their impact on the dynamics of our relationship (you would think you’d know after 6 years of marriage… guess again). It confronted me that my needs were different than my wife’s, and that communicating those needs (obviously…) is essential. Stereotypically, she was more emotion-oriented, while I was more knowledge-oriented. She needed more affection, and I needed more affirmation. But there is wisdom in stereotypes, patterns designed by God.

In the beginning, I felt stupid. Why did I not just do what I already knew? This is where the black dog and white sheep come in. Cherlene pointed us to the battlefield of our minds, where the enemy (Satan) is shouting negative thoughts. She made us recognize the power of choice. I can choose which thoughts I let in and settle in my mind/spirit. I can choose to believe what the enemy says about me. But the gentle voice of the Holy Spirit is also whispering, affirming truth and speaking life. I can also choose to shut the mouth of the enemy and believe what God is thinking and saying about me.

What made the counseling worth its time and money is that it required me to put it into action. It gave me direction to do the things for the change I wanted. The biggest transformation has to do with my doubts about my competence. Was I a good enough husband, father, leader of my family, colleague, and student? Cherlene reviewed the form which contained my family history and relationships. She asked me about my relationship with my father. I began to think about it deeply and concluded that it was quite functional and superficial in a way. I will never forget the follow-up question.

'Do you also see God that way?' The answer to that is yes. I knew God through the Bible; I knew He did things for me, blessed me above and beyond. But I never had talks with God about my hopes and fears (I more often pray wish lists, like a kid does to Santa) or heard Him speak about what He thinks of me and what His plans are for me.

Cherlene simply took me through the process of connecting with God. Be still before God. Ask Him to speak and listen. I heard God say to me that I am loved, I am His son. It was the affirmation I needed to know that I am enough because God the Father is enough. My prayer life has changed. My view of God has changed. My belief in my competence is not founded on me but on Him. God has assured me that His will for our marriage is to thrive and be blessed, branching out to the people around us, starting with our children

Thank you, Jesus, for the journey you have walked us through. You did not leave us; You were right beside us. All that the enemy meant for evil, you have meant for good. We give you all the glory in Jesus name. Amen!