Caroline’s Story: There is Hope in Christ!
I have chosen a Marriage and Couple Counseling Course because it has impacted my life and my marriage.
Marriage and couple counselling is all about finding the root cause of relationship problems. To help the couples understand why they are having a crisis in marriage and walk through on how to solve the problem. It is also to help the individuals handle the couple and their own problems they are facing as a person. In all this the ultimate purpose is to point them back to God – the problem solver
In my personal life, I have been struggling so much with problems in my marriage. So many problems with many hurts. We had kids after 3 years and parenting my kids became the utmost priority. For the sake of the kid’s mental health my husband and I only fight when the kids are not around and normally it goes unresolved because when the kids are around, we choose not to fight. There were many instances like this where we swept issues under the carpet.
Over time I became resentful and bitter towards him. My priorities were only my kids. Yes, it was quiet in the house because we don’t talk. Most of the time, if we talk it is only about the kids. We were like housemates. We have been married for 10 years. In my heart, I always felt like I made the wrong move. I resented him and I completely avoided him. I just felt we are not compatible anymore. There was no friendship between us.
I always felt that he is the problem, he is the problem maker. Many times, I felt like I should just walk away, but raising the kids with their father is very important as I grew up without a father (my father passed away when I was 8). My husband is an awesome father to the kids. So, walking away is not an option. I was bitter. Really bitter. I lost all hope. I could not communicate with him especially when there are differences of opinion. We just didn’t know how to solve our issues.
The first day, of the marriage and couple counselling class, has really impacted me on so many different levels. Even though it is about how to counsel others but learning this, the Holy spirit ministered to me to fix my own marriage issues. Dr Cherlene, kept on saying there is hope. There is hope in Christ. That has been embedded in my heart. I realized that I never thought about why there is a crisis and never thought about ways to solve it. I was too focused on proving my own point. I was too focused on thinking about how to change my husband. Dr Cherlene mentioned about handling our own individual problems and it is important resolving my own personal and individual conflicts.
It was when I realized focusing on myself and as I hear her speaking about establishing positive habits, I realized the many mistakes in the way I handle the issues in my marriage. I realized my husband and I are struggling with power and control. Ego has led to unforgiveness, and I realized that when we agree that we made a mistake, that is the first step to growth. I learnt that it is my responsibility to forgive because without it I will never be able to move on.
When we counsel couples, connecting them back to God is essential as Christ is the Ultimate healer. I was convicted as my focus was on the problems, not God. What really struck me was the truth that when our relationship with God is aligned, it will overflow in our marriage. I think I was too focused on the problem, holding on to hurts, resenting and dwelling on the unresolved issues instead of keeping my eyes on the LORD who is able to change things.
Too many unresolved fights with no conclusion made my heart hard. A few months before this class, I decided to shut down and ignore the issues. I was under stress but learning about healthy ways to deal with the stress in the relationship helped me a lot. I realized I need to express my feelings, not my anger. And slow down when I feel overwhelmed, to take a moment and breathe. Most importantly, taking care of myself. Communication is the key to a healthy marriage. I stopped communicating and I decided to start communicating effectively. Not to sweep it all under the carpet but to deal with it. Learning to embrace conflicts and solve the issues will help to improve my marriage. I also learned to explore what my spouse has to say and be a listener.
I gave up on my marriage. I decided to just go with the flow, shut down and ignore. This resentment made me see my husband as my enemy. In this class, I realized that the real enemy is Satan. I decided in my heart that I want to be humble and seek solutions and make peace a priority with my husband. Above all seek the LORD and pray without ceasing for my marriage. To fight not to fight. Since I gave up, I stopped praying for my marriage.
In all these, I lost my focus on GOD. As I listened to Dr Cherlene, I was so overwhelmed and there were times I teared up. Something happened within me. A breakthrough. I realized the importance of my relationship with GOD. my time with HIM, my prayer life. I cannot love Christ without loving my husband. At times, I felt like my husband did not deserve my forgiveness. Dr Cherlene mentioned forgiveness(70x7) not because they deserve it but because it is the right thing to do. End of day 1 lesson I released forgiveness. The topic of how to avoid conflict and save your marriage was really a helpful one for me. It is my personal responsibility to forgive.
I learned that when it comes to communication, I must create space by listening with empathy and reflective listening. I also realized that being around role models, especially couples with healthy marriages is important. Since I somehow lost my hope and stopped deeper communication with my husband, I need to rediscover him again. Taking efforts to make the relationship better and spending time with him will help that.
I am taking the effort to be the first one to compromise and pick my battles. Not everything needs to be fought. Some issues can be solved with effective communication. I am practicing pause, poise, and patience in my communications with him. Learning about apology language was very useful as I sometimes wonder why I cannot forgive my husband even after he says sorry to me. However, my opinion here is, no matter what my apology language is, I always can choose to compromise and take the decision to forgive and move on. This is what I am trying to do now. Well, certainly not easy, definitely work in progress!
I was convicted when Dr. Cherlene was talking about why we cannot please the LORD while failing as a spouse. Whatever the issues are, I learned to always go back to the word of God and focus on what God has to say about them. If the issues are overwhelming, bringing them to prayer will change things. Marriage is a reflection of our relationship with Christ. I am determined to fix things in my marriage and together with my husband, I want to be a godly spouse and a good role model for my kids and my society.
It’s been a few weeks since we finished the classes. My relationship with my husband is much better. I can see healing. I am beginning to see changes. I started by praying and focusing on God. Every time we have a disagreement, I listen more and talk less, and I see that it hardly goes bitter, but we communicate to seek solutions. It was not easy, but it is getting better. We are still learning.
I began to talk more about God and what I have learnt in this Marriage and couple counselling class. My husband who normally doesn't agree with me on many occasions, just ended up listening to me intently as I talked about this. I realized the way he handles our conflicts has changed too! I truly believe that it is because I decided to change myself first.
I am so blessed with the knowledge Dr Cherlene imparted to us. Day 1 lesson has taught me what a marriage should be and how to deal with the problems and always go back to the source, our God, the ultimate healer. God has really healed me from the hurts and bitterness I have been harboring in my heart for the past years.
One major thing, what I've learnt in this course changed in me is the way I focus on the goodness and the positive things my husband does every day and thank God for it instead of the old me who gets angry with the things that go wrong and dwells in that anger. I realized that in all things that arise in marriage, the word of God says submit and respect your husband.
The next thing we are planning to do is to start to write one great thing about our spouse for 30 days and continue to speak positive words to each other. Since my husband noticed the change in me, the way I communicate even when in anger, he is changing his ways too! All glory to the LORD.
Marriage is hard work. I agree it is not easy. At times I do feel overwhelmed and let the feelings and emotions (anger and bitterness) get in the way but today, I am more aware of the truth and the purpose of God’s calling in setting up a good example as a couple. Marriage will only get toxic if we let it be. Dr Cherlene, kept on repeating that there is hope in Christ and keeps fighting for our marriage.
I understand now, how the devil uses our weaknesses to destroy marriages. Marriage is the purpose of God to raise up a godly generation. If Marriages break and fail, God’s plan also cannot be accomplished, and kids view God through us. If as a couple, we are not happy together we cannot be a good example to our kids and will not be able to impart the fruits of the spirits to them. We cannot pour from an empty cup.
No matter how difficult the problem is, there is always hope. Now I find myself communicating my feelings and issues to God first before I communicate with my husband. I find this so beautiful! My relationship with GOD is something I treasure and going back to HIM again and again for guidance really changed me and my marriage. I will not say it changed everything and my marriage is 100% okay. There are still so many things we need to work on but again, God is there for me. There is Hope in Christ!
I believe this is the beginning of my journey as a counselor and having this experience fixing the issues of my marriage will be a great help to counsel others in the future. I pray that I can keep being a blessing in people’s lives. I thank God for giving me this opportunity. God has certainly used Dr Cherlene as a vessel to impart this knowledge and for me to embark on this new journey in my marriage. I hope in future I will be able to do the same for many other couples who are facing similar issues and point them back to God. The ultimate healer.
